The Devil's Dictionary (or The Cynic's Wordbook: Unabridged with all the Definitions)
Ambrose Bierce
APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom.
The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism.
BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any
color appear white.
EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.
ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.
Each reckons greatness to consist In that in which he heads the list,
If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.
LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.
LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.
MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin.
MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.
MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric.
ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding.
A tyranny tempered by stenography.
PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection.
PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
PLATITUDE,
A thought that snores in words that smoke.
A desiccated epigram.